The Death of Manhood

Dear Steve,

Although I normally enjoy your writing, I can not say I agree with the last piece you wrote. You made it sound as though it was the woman’s fault and the church’s fault for the reason why ‘supposedly’ Christian men watch pornography. Doesn’t the responsibility fall on men themselves? I appreciated your self-deprecating honesty, but it seems unlike so much of your other work that advocates responsibility for one’s own life. Am I wrong? Or have you trained your attack on women to excuse your own struggles? I am sorry for sounding so harsh, but I just don’t understand where you’re coming from. Isn’t it time we call sin a sin?

Sincerely,
(Reader)

I stared at the unblinking email on my screen and took another sip from my coffee. Unlike some comments, this one had been sent directly to my inbox. Two things I noticed and liked about the letter immediately. The first was the tone, neither condescending nor harsh as the woman thought, but thoughtful and carefully written. The other thing I liked was that she’d sent it directly to my inbox. Now I don’t care what anyone says about my work and I love it when people voice their opinion, because conversation is a good thing. But sometimes discretion can reveal the character of someone’s true intent faster than their words.

I had penned my first column with the idea of a second. Part one and part two. But it only seemed fitting to include, encapsulated by this letter, some of the criticisms of my earlier article.

Starbucks was quiet tonight. Midweek was always slow, and I watched some of the students working at their studies, and two young mothers wheeling their quiet charges around the magazine racks with only a passing glance. The intent of the first article was to provide context for the next one. The idea was to help people (especially women) understand just how slanted the church had become. Unfortunately, it wasn’t only women who took offense to my observation that the church brushed over the typically women’s struggles while excoriating the men.

Especially when it came to sex.

Sex sins are considered, by far, the most grievous and gruesome within the church. (Is there anything more sensational than a sex scandal) Unfortunately, the Bible does not give hierarchy to any sin. But the church does, and every man knows it. So while his wife can “be sensitive about the weight thing”, men must dance to the invisible fiddler if they struggle with pornography or some other carnal sin. That, dear friends, is ridiculous.

However, the real problem is not the ‘unbalance’ in the church, but the fact that it even matters. This is, ironically, the real problem. And that responsibility falls directly on the shoulders of men.

Whatever you say about the church, it is hard to escape the claim that too many of us evangelicals in North America are fat, over sexed, over consuming individualists who seem only interested in ourselves. The two biggest cultural sins of our time are individualism and consumerism… not pornography.

And yet, the core of the church’s struggles lie with something else, the foundation for so many of our cultural weaknesses. It lies with our failure to confront fear. The Bible says that the Spirit of God has not given us a spirit of fear, but for most men in North America, that simply isn’t true. The real struggle, the one that breeds so much of our weakness here in the West, is passiveness. And if it isn’t corrected, it will spell the end of manhood. In some ways, it has already happened.

I rubbed my forehead leaned back against my seat. At the table next to me, a young woman was trying to persuade her boyfriend about something. His noncommittal grunts only seemed to add fuel to the fire. I shook my head and turned back to the screen.

It was indicative of the age we lived in, as my astute female reader had pointed out, that my column had pointed to largely external factors in regards to the issue of pornography. Now context is important. It is. But no matter what argument you make, everything stops when you ask why men don’t simply act on their struggle. The first sympton of a man who refuses his manhood is one who is too afraid to be transparent.

A Letter to all men:


Do you feel trapped in your life? Do something about it. Are people at church are talking behind your back? So what. Do what you believe is right, but do something! Are you afraid what people will say if you’re honest about who you are, about your struggles? Get over it. A man who worries what others think is not acting like a man. Who cares if ‘the church’ thinks it's scandalous? The essence of manhood is one who is willing to face his fears, to face the storm, and do what is necessary to change. Don’t sit and whine about how the world has wronged you.

Women complain to me all the time that “real men” have vanished. They have. In their place we have inserted a slobbering mass of sycophantic infantiles who have decided that they either need to placate every person in their life or ignore them.

Men in our culture tend to be aggressive or passive aggressive. But what women are really searching for is assertiveness (As Paul Osbourne so elegantly makes the case for in his book). Jesus was assertive. Emotionally authentic, passionate, but never pandering. Men, if “the church” disagrees with you, so what. Stand up and say you think differently.

You are the church.

Pornography is a form of passive aggressive pandering. Nobody gets hurt (not true of course) and no effort required. All for one low price. How truly North American of us. Individualism and consumerism and reactive passivity in one product…

So long as men continue to blame their external circumstances for an internal problem, pornography will continue to flourish. (Fact: Christian conventions are well known throughout the pornography industry to be the most lucrative in the business) As well, the church will continue to lean towards women. An inevitable result of a sad but growing problem. If men are not willing to balance the ship, it will not be the fault of the opposite sex. And as long as men refuse to be men, refuse to stand up for what they believe, refuse to trust God to rule their life instead of their fears, than the problems of an emasculated culture will continue to grow.


And the death of manhood will be complete.

-Steve

Discouraged

His coat hadn’t changed since my last visit downtown, a threadbare navy parka that wouldn’t sell at a surplus store. The zipper was broken, and the ripped lining dragged along the ground as he shuffled his legs into a more comfortable position on the concrete. Being comfortable, of course, was relative. The cold wind lashed at my ears as I watched the man adjust his baseball hat lying next to him in a reverent manner, careful not to let the change inside it jiggle too loudly. He smiled at the people brushing past and over him, but I doubted that the people even saw him. Even the ones who dropped change in his hat barely glanced at the man before turning quickly back to their cell phones and conversations and important business.

The beggar smoothed over his thinning hair, his large, callused hands moving like cinder blocks over fragile blossoms. I could not discern how old he was, anywhere from forty to sixty, and every movement was slow and deliberate. The contrast between the men and women in suits and expensive dresses who strode past him and his own unkempt appearance and slow movements was startling. I watched for a while longer until I could no longer tolerate it. I’d suffered my own discouragement lately, but after watching the man beg, my own struggles seemed vain. I headed to the bus stop to wait for my ride home.

Most of us in the West trumpet the idea of universal nobility, that is, the nobility of all men and women, no matter who they are. No matter what we profess however, our lives often indicate that dignity is reserved for the select few. There is a deep prejudice within each of us, including me. I don’t say that lightly, because I would rather cover the black scar within my own heart. The same scar that asks the homeless to get a job before I look at him, the one that asks women to lose weight or look pretty before I see them. The one that asks men to be masculine before I’ll befriend them, the one that demands politeness and proper social skills before I’ll address them, the one that demands intelligence before I’ll engage them, and the one that demands faith before I’ll consider them as a brother or a sister. The truth is that I walk past the beggar every day.

And why, because he has the greatest disease of all… the disease of unlikeness.

On the bus ride home, I stared at the advertisements on the ceiling, careful not to look at anyone, especially the women, who might misconstrue my gaze as a sign of interest or something worse. I’m safe, I wanted to shout. Instead, I let my unfocused gaze dance around the ads and allow my mind to wander. How did someone end up on the street? Perhaps it wasn’t as difficult as I’d once imagined. Maybe they’d faced the discouragement of their lives so many times they’d lost sight of their nobility. They’d lost sight of who God had created them to be. Well… that was something I could relate to. The nobility of man carried the stain of sin, but it also carried the stamp of the Creator. But if that was the case, than why hadn’t I done anything to help the man on the street?

I can’t say that I am without prejudice, I can only tell you that I don’t like it. There is a book in the Bible where the apostle Paul tells us we should dwell on the good things, the noble, the pure, the lovely, and the admirable. Which sounds easy enough, so why then, do I so often find myself grousing about the way people treat others, about the way I treat others. There are many days I feel like a tear drop in an ocean of pain and sadness. What good does it do me to focus on the lovely? Didn't this ‘great apostle’ know that the world is inherently screwed up, broken, spiteful? (He obviously never worked in a public school) And didn’t he realize that most of us don't recognize nobility, the imprint of God’s hand upon creation, or that the human preference was homogeneity... those who look and act like us?

The bus stopped at the underground station near my apartment, and I followed the herd up to the surface. It’d be a cold walk home, but somehow the gray skies suited my mood. The episode downtown had saddened me. As much for the realization that for all my observation, I’d done nothing to help the beggar on the sidewalk.

I jammed my hands deep into my pockets as the wind lashed at me along the sidewalk. I’d be the first to admit that things were not going well for me right now, that my heart felt blacker than usual. Two months ago I’d put in a twenty-five page application to volunteer at an inner city ministry in Washington, D.C. Three days ago I received my rejection, a form letter with a signature. It was, without question, a bitter blow for a man desperately looking to make a difference in this ‘sea of pain and prejudice’. Not even good enough for a volunteer mission to help people, or so I phrased my lament recently to a seemingly absent God.

“How can you ask me to focus on the ‘noble’ things, when you won’t even let me help?”

It started to snow. The flakes were thick and heavy, an odd but not unusual weather pattern for Ottawa in April. I ducked my head against the wind and pushed forward. I’d be home, warm in my apartment, in a few minutes. As I thought about the beggar, I was reminded of a recent conversation with my buddy, Mark, this past week.

“I was talking to this street guy the other day-“

“How were you talking to a street guy?” I asked.

“Well, I saw this guy on the street and invited him to Tim Hortons for a meal, and-“

“Do you do that a lot?” I said.

I was surprised. He made it sound like it was no big deal.

“A matter of increments. First I gave them change. Then I sat with them and brought them food. Now I take them for a meal.”

I stared at my friend, still shocked. You don’t have to know Mark long to appreciate him. He drives a bike, and has an unshaven, amiable personality that never changes. The company is irrelevant. Intellectually curious and yet strikingly authentic, it wasn’t that I couldn’t picture what he was doing, it was the profound nature of his act that was so shocking.

I could see my apartment building through the snow, and I quickened my pace. With a shaved head and no toque, my ears burned in the icy wind. I thought about Mark and his approach, about the apostle Paul’s words to dwell on the good things, and about my own disappointments. It struck me that the broken nature of our world can be overwhelming. I figured a lot hadn’t changed since Paul’s day.

So what did he mean when he told us to focus on the noble things? Was he telling us to focus on the good things, because the bad things, the dark things, were self-evident? Or was he reminding us of the stamp of nobility within humanity so we could be noble ourselves? Maybe that was it. Like my buddy, Mark, who was quietly encouraging the ones around him without fanfare or adulation or compensation. Instead, he was echoing the life of a certain Carpenter so many years ago who chose to enrich, and bring life, to those who had experienced so much broken-ness and hate and despair. And Mark was doing it the way Jesus Himself had done it, one person – one prostitute, one drunkard, one tax collector, one beggar – at a time.

I stopped at the door of my building. Maybe I didn’t need a great program or special internship to follow what God had called me to do. Maybe there were other people I hadn’t seen, my neighbours and other people who crossed my path, who desperately needed some love, or a meal or a hug or some prayer. Maybe part of my discouragement was that I’d stopped looking for the noble things, for the good things, in the people who so desperately needed me to see them.

I glanced at my building and turned around, back into the wind. Things hadn’t turned out the way I’d hoped, and maybe I wouldn’t be able to work in Washington’s inner city, but there was someone in downtown Ottawa who needed a meal. And maybe, a little love.

-Steve

When Pornography Becomes an Option

He hadn’t said much since we’d sat down. I knew he wanted to talk to me about something serious, but I didn’t want to press. Ron was tall and built, a man’s man, and a good ten years older than me. But we’d hit it off talking about our athletic exploits, which had grown significantly over the years. At one point I’d asked him about his family, his wife and three kids. Immediately tears had come to his eyes. I’d asked him the next week if he wanted to chat, and much to my surprise, he’d agreed.

We were sitting in a Tim Hortons. It was late, and aside from a few teenagers in the other corner, the place was empty.

“I don’t know what to do, Steve.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s Beck… she won’t get any help.” He paused, the pain evident on his face. “It’s been six months since we had sex.”

Ron had told me before a bit about his wife’s past. She’d been sexually abused as a child, but her parents were stalwarts in the church. She’d refused to get counseling. After their third child, Ron said, she’d had enough.

“The last time I asked her about it she threw me a Kleenex and told me to go take care of myself in the basement.” He said. “I’ve been watching these movies and… I hate it, man. I hate it.”

“Wow.”

I couldn’t think of anything else to say. I couldn’t imagine even being in his situation. At the time I was engaged, still a virgin, and Ron’s words were troubling. What would I do if my wife didn’t want to have sex? What would I do if suddenly my wife decided that sex was only for procreation, or that it was inherently sinful? I felt my eyes fill up, and suddenly it wasn’t about my own life, my own questions. Instead, I was impugned by a deep sadness, although if you’d asked me, I couldn’t tell you exactly why.

I can’t remember what I said to Ron that day. I’m sure it wasn’t much. But over the past ten years I’ve had similar conversations with other husbands, most of them Christians, and when they tell me that they sometimes watch pornography, I don’t know what to say to them. I know what the church says about pornography, I know all about the “porn burning” sessions of the Promise Keepers and the fights to keep “those pornographers” out of business by citizen groups over the years and everything else. But it hasn’t worked. Pornography isn’t juet a problem, it’s also a sympton, and until we address the real problem… Let me put it this way. If pornography is alive and well within the church, as damaging as it is, the church has no one but herself to blame.

Someone once asked me what the biggest problem was in the church today. Easy, I said, the inability for Christians to be honest with each other. The inability to be transparent is poison to any community. Especially a spiritual community that is supposed to be based on grace and love for each other. Jesus said that the world would know us by our love for each other. Instead, the world seems to know us better for our judgement and hypocrisy. We can debate until we’re blue in the face about the truth of those allegations, but as long as the world sees denominations spitting in each other’s face over a small issue of doctrine, who are we to judge? Because you know what… they’re right.

I remember another young man. He was suffering from an unexpected separation from his wife. Alone, in a new city, he was struggling to find himself. To find a community. His wife had kicked him out after 11 months of a tumultuous marriage, and he suddenly found himself alone in a strange city. He was living in a basement apartment with a job he despised, a job that barely left him enough to pay the bills. Once upon a time he’d been an up and coming preacher, destined for great things in the ministry. Or so he thought. Alone and feeling abandoned, he left the church, wondering about this God he’d dedicated his life to.

A few months after his marriage disintegrated, one night he found himself in a strange place, a place he’d never been. The lights were dim inside the store, and staring at him from every wall was a mound of flesh and sin. It was repugnant to be in this place, but strangely comforting. Soon enough, he picked a box, and without looking at the man behind the counter, paid for his purchase and left. Later that night he sat in front of the flickering images, feeling a strange sense of both relief and despair. From that day, he would visit places, places he never thought he’d ever be, and bring things home, things that went against everything he’d ever stood for. The disconnect and despair heightened. He so desperately wanted to believe everything that he’d been taught, but more than anything, he felt alone. His marriage… his dreams… it was all over.

The reason I remember that young man is because that man… was me.

We hear about the evils of pornography all the time, but many women, and men, for that matter, do not understand how or why pornography enters the question. Especially for people of faith. The first thing that we need to understand is that pornography is not merely a “sin” to be cast out. It is also a symptom. As one woman once said to me, “how many breasts does a man need to see?” Women, of course, are quite offended by the pornography question, especially conservative women. But most of the time the question is not about sex. It’s about intimacy and loneliness. It’s about a man being wanted by a woman, about a man who feels accepted for who he is and what he is. That’s what sex is. Sex is becoming naked, becoming vulnerable, and still being wanted by the person we cherish.

I know that many women, especially Christian women, have something to say about this. But the bottom line is this: men desperately want to be naked with someone, but many Christian men, for various reasons, are afraid to expose themselves, and they’ve turned to pornography to meet their needs.

The issue here than, is less about sex and more about intimacy. Do men need to do a better job confronting their own feelings and insecurities about relationships. Yes, they do. But as long as the church allows women to work their relational issues (with overeating, for example. The church virtually excuses gluttony as a sin in Western culture.) with impunity, and continues to impugn men with a higher standard. Expect men to remain closemouthed about their own issues, especially controversial ones like pornography.

I’ll be honest. When I hear stories from men about their sex life, there are many times when I understand why they’ve turned to pornography. The sad part is that I also know that pornography brings nothing but despair and heartache. Is it sin? Yes. But the greater sin is that church has not built itself in North America on open and honest community. Most men who admit that pornography is appealing, for example, face rejection and vilification and worse. Why is it a women can say she struggles with overeating, and receive support. A man says that he is lonely and longs for intimacy and so is attracted to pornography and he is vilified as a pornographer?

The church holds a double standard. And if we are to be a church of grace, a spiritual community of sinners redeemed by God’s mercy, how can we possibly cast judgement without first offering love? The truth is, there’s a reason men remain closemouthed about their struggles. Certainly men need to be more like men, to step forward and say exactly what they’re feeling, But until the church allows men to speak freely, and allows them to be completely transparent without fear of judgement and vitriol, pornography will flourish within the church.

There are days still when I think about turning my computer to certain sites. I'm celibate and proud of it, but still sexual. And though I wish nothing more than to honour God with my life, there are days I long for the intimacy of a woman, of someone who will tell me that I am loved and special. (Unfortunately, I had to learn the hard way what a powerful and destructive lie pornography is) And that, ultimately, is what sex is all about. Women who fail to understand this, women who fail to understand that their man desires so desperately to be naked with them, miss the whole picture when they become caddy and self-righteous about pornography. Perhaps the first step is not to judge those who “sin so gleefully”, but rather, perhaps the first step is to look at ourselves, and see if we are using sex as something else. Are we using it as a tool of guilt? Are we holding it out for the special occasion when only we feel like “doing it?” The thing about pornography is that it sells the idea that the women actually want to have sex. Translation for men, "this woman wants to be with me." It’s an illusion of course, and highly destructive, but it’s a powerful one. What we don’t realize is that the power of a great lie does not emanate from the one who speaks it. The power of a great lie is in the echo that forms in the soul of the one who hears it. The illusion of intimacy is powerful because it is already absent.

I’ve always hated the response of women who say to their men in our culture, “Tonight, maybe you’ll get lucky.” Aren’t you both enjoying it? Aren’t you both getting lucky? Sex is not a toy nor a tool, and until we understand that sex, that pornography, isn’t really about sex, men will continue to bury their feelings and seek out the illusion.

We are a culture that prides itself on individualism. We’re a church that focuses on the salvation of the individual. Neither is biblical, and neither is healthy. God created us to live in community. A spiritual community.

Is pornography sin? Yes. But the greater sin is the wall of pride and self-righteous that echoes through the corridors of many church buildings. Jesus once told his disciples that the world would know us by our love for one another. But do they?

Pornography is like mould. It flourishes in dark corners. If you do nothing else, remember that Christ has called us to a life of authenticity and openness. If you wish to remain with your head buried in the sand, keep it there. But women, don’t be surprised when the man you love finds himself caught in the web of porn. And men, until you understand that pornography is about intimacy, and that you need to step out and stop burying your feelings and hurts because you’re afraid of what others will think, the cycle of loneliness and despair will never be broken.
And for all of us, until the church recognizes that it is a community of grace, where transparency is the only foundation for real discipleship, nothing will change. And our faith will flounder in the shallow fields of rocky soil, and the relationships we so deeply hunger for, especially the one with a certain Carpenter, will never grow.

God help us to open our hearts today. May He give us the courage to examine ourselves, and to reveal ourselves, in honesty and truth, as He intended, that the world would truly know us for our love.

-Steve

Kingdom Living

I think it's difficult, in our culture, with all of our wealth and easy access to everything, to maintain the meta-narrative pf a purposeful God and a purposeful life without focusing on ourselves. It strikes me that it is nearly impossible at times to drag myself away from the television, American Idol, daily routine of wealthy living.

A friend of mine reminds me of these things. She's gone to Africa (Lesotho) for six months on her own dime to help and teach in one of their schools. Every week she has been posting a blog about her experiences. IN reading these, I was struck by how easily I allow my self to operate in self pity, instead of getting out there and trying to make a difference.

This past month I've applied for an internship with Sojourners in Washington, D.C. For a year you volunteer and live in community with a group of 8 other volunteers, and work for their organization, which advocates for social justice and the poor. A surprising number of people apply for these internship positions, and I know that there are a lot of good people who do apply, so it will be quite an honour if I am selected. Still, I'd love for you to keep it your prayers.

If not this internship, I'll be looking for something else, something similar. I recognize that my life, such as it is, is getting lost, and I do need some sort of missionary like experience to help me see the big picture. God grant me the strength to continue to pursue what He wants for me...

-Steve