The Key to Finding Mr./Mrs. Right… is Selfishness

They were nuzzling each other in the checkout line directly in front of me, to the point where I turned slightly so as not to impugn on their moment. We've all witnessed the embarrassing teenage couples clinging to one another in outrageous public displays of affection, but this couple wasn't young at all. They looked to be in their mid-forties. He was short and balding, the woman even shorter with thick black hair and a tired, happy face. Their son, who looked to be about five, was quietly dragging a foam sword near the cereal aisle, and he responded quickly when his dad called him over and gave him a hug. I couldn't help but smile. This is what we all wanted, I thought. More specifically, I thought about my female friends and their frustrations in finding "Mr. Right", someone who they could count on as a partner and teammate. For all the advances we'd made towards equality, the most chauvinistic portion of our population was young men between the ages of 16-22. What that said about our culture, I could only speculate, but what it meant for young women was less abstract. It meant sifting through a populace that was not only increasingly disinterested in equality, but one in which violence continued to play a major role. Conditions in the church were no better. In some ways, the situation was worse, as young men purporting to be Christians did not seem to perceive a contradiction from their faith and their tendency to raise their hand against their wives. So many of my friends and acquaintances had given up, either marrying someone who was 'okay' or ending up with a man they were not proud to be with. It was better than being alone. Or was it? And why was it so hard for women to find "Mr. Right"? There weren't that many jerks, were there? Or were my friends simply being too picky. Whatever the answer, it was something worth looking into, if only so that I'd have something to say to my friends when they asked me yet again where all the good men had gone.

***

I have a confession to make. I'm happily married. And oh yeah, I've been married before. We were both miserable. Fortunately, my ex-wife met someone great after we broke up and became happily married. So we're both happily married now, just not to each other. I mention that because undoubtedly someone will read this and dismiss it because my credentials are 'impure.' Of course, my credentials are already impure because I'm male, and my advice is (largely)directed towards women. A couple of weeks ago however, I received an email from a reader/friend, who was frustrated by what she'd witnessed in the dating world and in her friends' relationships. "What's wrong with all these men? These so-called Christians are mean, ego-driven and often violent. What do I do?" Her letter touched a chord in me, because it was something I'd seen often the past decade in my work with youth and families. Especially young women in their twenties who were looking to the future. I'd seen the things she mentioned in her letter in my Seminary, supposedly the training ground for young pastors, in everything from the books we were forced to read to the attitude of many of the male students. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that whatever answers I did have were not going to be well received, and in many cases, would upset a lot of people. Would in fact make some people very angry. But I've never been good at hedging, even when it's pushed me into rocky waters.

HARD TRUTHS AHEAD. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED.

***

Tyndale College University & Seminary is a red bricked building set amidst a series of quiet, rolling streets just north of Toronto. Million dollar homes are the norm in this largely Asian suburb, each house more precisely manicured than the next. About the size of an elementary school, it has evolved into the largest evangelical seminary in Canada, with over two hundred full time students and eight hundred part timers. When I moved to Toronto for graduate studies in the fall of 2007 I wasn't sure what to expect. Having long since given up my patriarchal zealot days of my early twenties – when I would talk about spiritual leadership and men (only)in the same breath – and having witnessed the tragedy of patriarchal tendencies, I was pleasantly surprised by my professors. Coming from a wide variety of Christian traditions, they were almost universally progressive and thoughtful. By the time I'd picked up the textbooks for my course on Leadership, I'd long since given up the fear that I would be subjected to content that promoted a 1950's domesticity and inequality towards women. That ended however, upon my reading of the text, Being Leaders by Aubrey Malphurs. In one of his 'helpful' appendices, he documented two leadership checklists. One for men. One for women. I still remember the way my stomach clutched at my throat upon reading about a woman's 'love for her children' and her 'support for her husband' (among others) as qualities necessary for leadership. There were no such checks for the men of course. For the men, the book listed things such as the necessity of being the husband of 'but one wife' and 'intellectually capable'. Even more disturbing than the book was the reaction by most of the male students, the exception being my best friend and one other, who didn't see anything wrong with the textbook and rolled their eyes when I continued to hammer my professor about it. "It's just a book, Steve. It's not a big deal." The women in the class were split nearly down the middle. When I expressed my outrage at the sexist ideas expressed in Malphurs' work, not a few of them shrugged. They'd seen it a million times. It wasn't THAT big a deal. That was, without a doubt, the saddest part of it all. The women who either refused to see the sexism or had seen it so many times before had given up hope of change.

Hard Truth: So long as we believe that we do not deserve equality in our relationships, we will never find it.

Hard Truth 2: Young pastors and young Christian men continue to be taught that misogyny is an acceptable part of the Christian faith. Unless women recognize that they have to apply their own 'filter' for sifting out men who will look down on them, they will continue to end up in relationships with preening, self-righteous jerks who treat them badly.

Sound harsh? Probably to some men reading this, men who honestly believe that they consider women as equals. Meanwhile, these are the same men who would never accept a female pastor or talk about spiritual leadership in the context of women. (Women should be silent!) They follow self styled leaders like John Piper who counsel women to stay in abusive relationships. Make no mistake, while there are some churches working hard to see equality and teamwork between the sexes, most churches teach male superiority, though they will clothe it with words like "function, not value", or that they are just "following the Bible."(The next time someone says that to you, ask them what they think of slavery. If slavery is not acceptable, although Paul specifically orders slaves to submit, then why are women supposed to be silent?)

Therefore, you need to develop a check list of your own for prospective suitors to answer. Frame your questions around things such as spiritual leadership and gender roles. If he/she shows an inclination towards a set roles for either gender, and believes spiritual leadership is for men, get up and run away. Do not look back. Forget how good looking he is. In five years you will be miserable, if not sooner. Don't ignore the warning signs ('shouldn't women take care of the kids, they're like, made to handle them.") Trust me, you won't regret it.

***

If my wife was twenty pounds heavier I never would have married her.

Sounds gross, doesn't it? Alas, it's true. And she's a size two, sometimes a zero.

What's also true is that if I hadn't lifted enough weights over the years to develop my body so that I can push three hundred pounds above my head, she wouldn't have been interested anyway. We laugh about it, but her interest was peaked as much by my arms as by my smile. (All I can say is thank you, Lord, for getting me to the weight room when I was seventeen.) Yes, her intelligence, kindness, faith and strong sense of self were just as important. But they weren't more important. They still aren't. The same is true for her. In all the church blather about the importance of a woman being 'godly' (whatever that means), and our rejection of the commercialization of sex and female bodies, we bury an important truth: that how we look matters. And not a little. It matters a lot. Being fit not only increases our likeliness to attract others, it speaks to something else, especially in an obese culture like this one. I watch how my wife treats herself, how she cares for herself, how hard she works to stay fit by eating healthy and working out hard, whatever her schedule. I've known a number of women through the years who are looking for a partner, and while they remain smart and kind, they have physically let themselves go. Unfortunately, they've been taught a set of lies, usually by obese men behind a pulpit who hammer away at the importance of 'spiritual' qualities and 'selflessness' without ever telling women that they need to be a little selfish. That they need to focus on taking care of how they look so they can stay independent and strong.

Now when a man says that a woman needs to stay in shape, it comes across, at the very least, as presumptuous, and almost always condescending. Unfortunately, the truth is that a woman who allows herself to become overweight gives up something far worse than simply her conditioning or her ability to choose better looking guys.

We don't think of fitness or being in shape in relation to our spirituality, mainly because we've spent the past two thousand years dividing our body from our mind and our soul. (These are Greek ideas.) But everything we do reflects what we believe, including how we take care of ourselves.

Hard Truth 3: If we're not willing to work hard (and it is VERY hard work) at staying fit, how can we complain when people do not find us attractive?

Hard Truth 4: The irony is that while being fit increases your chance of finding a significant other, you can't make fitness something you do for someone else. It has to be something you do for yourself.

A great part of the appeal in people who are fit are all the traits we unconsciously assign to them. Discipline. Self-control. Strength. Independence. Now these traits may not all be present, and not in every area of a person's life, but there is tangible proof that in least one area, that person is strong and consistent.

Start today by taking control of your life. Insist on creating time in your life for yourself to workout. Learn about eating healthy. Remember, you're not doing this to attract a partner (that's a side benefit), you're doing it for yourself. As a trainer, I've watched women come back into their own as they have taken ownership of their bodies, and consequently, their lives. You do not belong to someone else, and while you may one day share your life with someone, no one owns you. Treat yourself as you deserve, and watch the difference it makes in your life.

***

Waiting on God is difficult, especially when it comes to relationships. Through the years I've met a number of people who insist that God will provide them with a partner, that so long as they keep their faith, their long dreamed romantic relationship, fed through the commercialized Hollywood apparatus, will suddenly appear. The idea saddens me, especially as it relates to my fellow Christians, in so much as it's inherently pagan.

Hard truth 5: The idea that we offer up a sacrifice (our time, prayer, very specific prayer, singing) so that God will mysteriously bring a stranger to our small town, to our closed life, is a great load of bunk and has nothing to do with faith, and everything to do with people manipulating us so they can use us for their own ends.

I hear this a lot in church circles. I have friends who can tell me exactly what they want their wife to look like, or what their husband's accent will be. They have been taught (wrongly) that God answers specific prayer. That God is nothing more than a plaza for us to peruse. Another shopping mall for us to line up and get things. And they'll look you in the eye and tell you that faith is enough. That God will bring so and so just like Pastor Bobby Joe said. Frankly, the whole thing is insulting.

Hard Truth 6: How in the world can we expect to meet someone when we live in the same house, the same small town, with the same people? It's utterly baffling. We expect God to bring someone to us because we are too lazy or too scared or too comfortable to change our geography or go to a different church.

The problem is more perilous if there are children involved, obviously. In which case we have to be as proactive as we can to initiate contact with possibilities. The internet is a good example. I'm not a huge fan of internet dating, but it's better than doing nothing.

I believe that meeting my wife was God ordained. I honestly do. But if I hadn't left Ottawa to take on a new challenge with new people, it never would have happened. I'm not ashamed to admit that originally I'd hoped to meet somebody at Tyndale. Why not? We need to change this mentality that God wants us to be submissive waifs, refusing to move or change unless we hear the voice of Thunder calling from heaven.

Nonsense.

Hard Truth 7: If you want to meet someone new, you have to meet new people. And that means adjusting your life so that will happen.

More than anything, we need to be more selfish. I know that sounds counterintuitive, but we need to do a better job looking out for ourselves if we hope to find someone else. We need to ask prospective suitors difficult questions, ensure that they believe in equality, and then walk away when we realize that they do NOT believe in equality. We need to guard our time selfishly, and stop saying yes to people who will rob us of our chance to be fit and healthy. People will always be grabbing for our time. Don't let them. And finally, we need to stop waiting around for God to do something and MOVE. Be active. Watch God move, but you go first! Our lives are more than relationships, so while it is wonderful to be happily married, your life is so much more than that. Waiting on God does not mean waiting as we would do in a doctor's office. Push forward, follow your passions, and don't get stuck when people try to hold you back. (Because believe me, families love to do this. And Christian men love to do this to women.)Live for God by remembering he created you and is happy with you and has plans for you OUTSIDE OF ANY RELATIONSHIP. Pursue those, and then watch as God brings people alongside you. One of them may even be suitable as a life teammate. Just remember, you have a few questions for them first.

-Steve

In Search of MLK at the G8/G20

Most of us can recall the horrific scenes in Tiananmen Square nearly twenty years ago. Students protesting against a communist/non-democratic government being mowed down and crushed by tanks, sent in by the government to dispel the protest. Earlier in the 20^th Century, we witnessed Indians being gunned down for their peaceful protest of British occupation. Through the 1960's we witnessed the marches for civil rights, for equality between gender and race. These protests were desperately needed to help move the government(s) in the right direction. And while it is ridiculous to suggest there is nothing left to protest, there is an air of tradition to the G8/G20 protests. They lack vision and clarity and purpose, other then the supposed importance of maintaining the right to protest, whatever that means.

This past week the G8/G20 summit meeting of the world's leaders was held in my hometown of Toronto. Over a billion dollars was spent on security, tax money collected from hard working Canadians, because a meeting of the world's leaders automatically means a protest, and further, hooliganism and rioting. They haven't always been linked, but these days most protests are accompanied by violence, with rare exception. However, despite the past history of violence and mischief that has consistently tagged the G8/G20, the Canadian government decided to hold the meeting in the heart of Canada's most populated city. Businesses were shut down. The vibrant downtown core became a ghost town in the days leading up to the summit, because we all knew what was coming. Another protest. More rioting. Unlike the examples mentioned above however, this was not an organized protest for something monumental. No, it was the "traditional" protest. People walking in large groups, singing and laughing and getting their pictures taken in front of grim faced police officers forced to wear riot gear. The riot gear was necessary because coming in after these mild mannered, if slightly deluded protesters, were the hooligans. These "Black Box" anarchists have been in business since the early 1980's, and they didn't disappoint us this time either, setting fires to police vehicles and shattering windows and destroying businesses. All of it done behind their black hoods before dispersing into the crowd and mingling a la the Taliban. The next day brought mass arrests as the police tried to find those who had broken the law. Most people were detained for a few hours and released. At the time, I couldn't help but wonder what people were still doing downtown. Why hadn't the 'protesters' left when the police asked them to disperse? And what were they protesting again? The pictures online seemed only to reveal a motley if disparate sort of celebration.

Sunday brought us some answers however, as stories began to flow about police "brutality". That all of it was unsubstantiated and seemed to consist mostly of people complaining that they were cold and wet did little to deter them. They expounded on the need for an official inquiry. On Facebook and Twitter and blogs the stories circulated and then expanded. These 'brave' protesters spun tales of courage and strength in the face of the "armoured" security forces. If you listened closely enough, you could hear the rhythm of their own heroic deeds rising like a Greek tragedy within their minds. Spin and spin, their tales reached our civil liberties association, who cried on national radio about the police "brutality", though its representative could not illustrate a single case of it. And so it now continues, the dogma of protesting so ingrained that shortly there will be an inquiry into these so-called tales of abuse. It will happen partly because we're Canadian, and we love our inquiries, and partly because there is no other choice. How else can we quiet the voices ("We will be Heard!") of these desperate attention seekers? Or are they more than that?

It is odd to pen a position that inherently seems so merciless, so against my natural position of empathy for those who have no voice. The G8/G20 protest however, was inauthentic in every way. From its unspecified positions (What are you protesting?) to the deportment of the protesters (Getting your picture taken in front of a police officer who has to wear riot gear is shameful and disgusting. They are not there for your amusement or your homemade festival. They have lives and families, too.) to the bitter complaining and storytelling that followed it.

***

The G20 has become a staged event, and because of that, degrades real protests made by people people committed to a cause for the cause's sake, not their own. There hasn't been this much self-congratulation in the blogosphere since Mariah Carey last interviewed Donald Trump. Many of them I consider friends, but their position baffles me. Smart, intelligent people who seem stuck in this mode that the right to protest is a reason to protest.

Saddest of all and completely lost in the hyper magnified gaze of the protesters who insisted on putting themselves in harm's way were the truly forgotten ones. People like the elderly and disabled who make their homes downtown. Or the terrified business owners hiding behind their counters and tables as the hooligans smashed and burned their life's work, all while the protesters watched. Always watching. (Not a single report of a protester who tried to stop an anarchist from an act of hooliganism, although there were reports of protesters who blocked the police from stopping the anarchists.)

These days, a peaceful protest is an oxymoron. It does happen on occasion, but only when the protest is AUTHENTIC. For example, over ten thousand people came together in Ottawa a few months ago to protest abortion. (It was not a protest I supported, because as long as we treat women as breeders, abortion should be legal.) Ten thousand people marching peacefully. No riot police were needed. No hooligans. People weren't partying through the streets getting their pictures taken. They believed something passionately, and the protest was about something outside of themselves. It was an authentic protest. But protests like this last one (and any protest at these G8 summits) cheapen and tarnish the ideals set by Martin Luther King and Ghandi and others.

The question I have yet to answer is perhaps the most important one. If they have no cause, why do so many people show up to protest? Perhaps it is because there are so many of us who desperately want our voices to be heard, so many who suffer and walk in loneliness. Perhaps people feel like they are making a difference, and can do so without having to commit to a long-term project that would require more than a simple walk downtown. What it seems, at least to me, is that there are a number of people who want the good feelings that helping others produces, without having to do the hard work of actually helping or volunteering somewhere. And while I can empathize with such feelings, at some point we must understand that it doesn't work. That the mere appearance of caring doesn't make us feel better in the long run.

It isn't the loudness of our voice or the brashness of our act that will fill that void, because in the end, it's still about us. What gives our life meaning is the quiet sojourn that seeks to listen, not be heard, the one that is willing to walk beneath the shadow, not create its own, and the selfless example set before us by those desperate to see humanity united. People like Dr. Martin Luther King, who when he died at 39, was said to have the heart of a 60-year-old. We dishonour his memory and the memory of those like him when we stage these phony protests. Their greatness was found not only in their their absolute vision for affecting real change, but in their tendency towards self-sacrfice. I wonder what they would say when looking at the results and accusations of the protesters at this latest event.

The results are certainly clear enough. These G8/G20 protesters have not pointed the world's gaze to the needy. The world's ears are not more attuned to those in need of fresh water or medicines or civil rights. Instead, they have served as an annoying clatter piece to the real work being done quietly by so many around the world. If anything, they have turned away the gaze of potential helpers into one of disgust.

Why do we march in protest, and for whom do we do it? Is it for us, so we can be seen and post pictures of our own "courage" and talk about ourselves? Or is it about those who are actually suffering, those whose lives reflect real tragedy and desperation? Perhaps if we answered those questions first, we would be better served towards doing the real work of helping those in need and avoid the shallow tendency towards creating our own celebrity. And then perhaps, we truly would see change.

-Steve

Next Topic: Up to You

Novel Word Count: 128,105

Day 45 of 42

In sorting through this blog (I still find it hard to believe that it's been five years!) I found a few comments from readers, one in particular, and decided to contact her (she'd left her email on her comment)to see how she was doing. She responded quickly, and when she mentioned what was happening in her life, I asked her if there was anything she wanted me to write about. I'd never done that before, but it seemed like the right thing to do. She gave me my next blog topic, which will explore waiting for Mr. Right/ waiting on God/ and how to avoid men who claim to be Christians but who abuse and demeen women. No, it isn't a cheerful topic, but I've heard this mentioned by a number of people who are genuinely disappointed and confused with the whole dating thing.

I should have something up in the next couple of days, after which, I think this is something I will do more often. Is there something you're particularly interested in? Is there something in the church or culture that bothers you? Something you just aren't sure about? Drop me an email and I'll write about it. (If I feel I have something to say) I won't include your name unless you want me to, and as always, comments will be welcome.

***

In regards to the novel, I'm not going back to the drawing board exactly, but I've realized that the book is going to be significantly longer than I anticipated, probably around 200k. (200, 000 words) I need to dig deeper and develop my world in much greater proportions. The story has stalled in large part, I think, because I need to do more in-depth research. I still like the story, and think it has great potential. As of now however, it looks like the first draft won't be completed until the fall. Thank you all for your encouragement and patience!

Hope your week has started well. For those who are interested, I do have a new post on my fitness site.

-Steve

Encouraged

Day 41 of 420 000

NOVEL WORD COUNT: Ummm… a lot

Another day. Another city. Another Starbucks. And coffee… lots of coffee. Necessary on three hours sleep. And no, I'm not procrastinating. Not exactly. Although my novel is currently open in another window and I haven't written a word yet this morning. But I'm not procrastinating. Uh-uh. Okay, maybe a little. But I was going through some of my recent posts and realized that I offered enough encouragement lately. Let's face it, one-note writers are boring, and while it's fine (and interesting) to take note of problems caused by religion or politics or annoying people, we also need a healthy dose of positivity or else why are we bothering to get up in the first place. Yesterday, as I was going through the book of Ecclesiastes in my morning reading, I came upon this verse:

"There was a man all alone; he had neither son nor brother. There was no end to his toil, yet his eyes were not content with his wealth. "For whom am I toiling," he asked, "and why am I depriving myself of enjoyment?" (4:8)

It's the thing I love about the book of Proverbs and Ecclesiastes. Some of the verses can hit you like a hammer. Like this one. It was written three thousand years ago, but applies to so many of us. It's a question we often forget to ask ourselves, and suddenly our lives become a whirlwind of busy. We forget who we're working for, why we're working, even though we already have enough. Years go by, and suddenly we realize that we've missed the point of it all. And through it all, change becomes almost a dirty word. That is, changing our life, reordering it, becomes frightful and taboo. Much better to just stay busy. And yet, there are always people willing to challenge that notion, people willing to re-examine and slow down. I was thinking about it last night as I drove home from the boot camp I'm running. (My day job, the one that pays the bills, is working as a personal trainer.)There, I watch and listen to people who haven't worked out or challenged their diet in years, driving directly from work to the camp, making all sorts of family accommodations for a fun but brutal workout. I listen to their stories, the craziness of our typical North American lifestyle, and yet there they are, not willing to accept the status quo. It's the best part of my job. A month ago I had a good chat with a woman at the gym who'd lost over a hundred pounds. Her whole life has been changed. How she feels. How she thinks. Everything.

As a writer, I'm used to being "poor". It's a sacrifice, if you can call it that, every artist makes, so I don't miss making big bucks and being able to buy whatever I want. Walking through a mall induces no desire in me to spend money, with the exception being bookstores and electronic shops, but even then, the library works well enough and we don't have room for a 52" Sony Bravia HD television just yet anyway. That said, the question of why, as in, why am I working so hard, is just as relevant for me. Why do I want to publish my novels? Why am I driven back to the page? Is it just about me? What I love about the question is that it centers me. It reminds me that I don't have to let other people set my goals for me. It reminds me that change is always possible, so long as I'm willing to make the adjustment. I find that encouraging. This idea that tomorrow doesn't have to be a repeat of today or last week is marketed pretty heavily in the self-help sections of your local bookstores, but I think most people get discouraged by the slowness of change and give up. Anything worth pursuing requires commitment, but commitment is much easier when we answer the question of why we want to change. For whom do we toil? And why do we deprive ourselves of enjoyment?

Take some time today to answer that question, and then take a good look at your life. If you could change something, what would it be. Set it in your mind and go for it. You'll be surprised what you can accomplish.

-Steve

Note: My brilliant wife started her own fitness blog this past week. She's the best trainer I've ever seen, and her nutritional knowledge is second to none. I encourage you to take a look.