How to be Perfect

Sweat rolled down my face as I slowed to walk. I strolled down Cameron Street and checked my phone to see how far I’d run. Nearly one and a half kilometers without stopping. Nice!

For most runners, that would have been a joke. But for someone who was only starting to enjoy it, it was a big deal. Today, for the first time, I felt different. Not joy, exactly. More like emotional relief. As much as I loved the gym, not even a great day lifting weights gave me this feeling. I guessed that there were some physiological or psychological reasons for this, whether it was the way the endorphins were released or that it was something I’d never been good at, but running had suddenly become a different experience.

So why had it changed? And why now?

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Roberto Osuna and a Day in the Life

My eyes snapped open. I groaned and rolled over to check the time. 5:34am. Shit. I turned on my side and tried to fall back asleep, but my mind had started moving in accelerated fashion, flooded with thoughts of failure and anxiety. I forced myself to stay in bed and drifted off. I woke up again a while later and tried to check the time on my cell phone. I had difficulty picking it up. My hand wouldn’t stop shaking.

I grimaced. I knew what was coming, and with my shaking hands, it took me a while to punch in a short message to work. Sick again. I didn’t get paid when I didn’t work, and this had been happening far too often lately. I took a deep breath. Though I’d messaged work I was going to be absent, I tried to get up. Tried to fight it.

Nothing.

My body did not cooperate. I lay there, overwhelmed, as tears filled my eyes. There was nothing for me to do but wait. After about an hour I drifted into semi-consciousness. I dreamed I’d run over a family with my car. It didn’t make sense, but my dreams rarely did on days like this. There was nothing to do but stare at the ceiling.

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When the Shadows Come

            I looked down at the busy street below. I was sitting in my usual spot on the balcony, twenty floors up. Sunlight glinted off the tall buildings around my condo, and the sound of a jack hammer echoed along the street. It was another bad day. There’d been too many lately, so many I couldn’t remember the last time the clouds had lifted. I’d dealt with depression since my early twenties, but this was probably as bad as it had ever been.

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NEW SITE: GO THERE!

As of today, all my posts and blogs will be at a new site.

STEPHENRBURNS.INFO

Thank you for coming to this site over the years, and for walking the journey with me. I'd love to see you at the new place!!

Stephen