We need more of THIS

There a time at night, right around three o'clock in the morning, before the morning risers and after the night owls have gone to bed, when everything goes still. And quiet. From my front porch, where I work, I detect only the barest of movements. A neighbour's cat. The rustling of leaves. A chipmunk scurrying along a telephone wire. The movements are sudden, made larger by the silence around them. This is my favourite time of night to take a short break and just walk onto the sidewalk and stare up at the heavens.

Bethany and I live in the suburbs, so it is not the view that one would get further north into the country. Nor does it in anyway equal the view she grew up with Ethiopia, where the legendary African skies are as beautiful as they are mythical.

No, peering up through the telephone wires and old maples that form the canopy over our street can't equal that. But I like to look just the same. I like to explore the possibility of vastness, and eternity, through the lenses of the stars. There is so much we do not know, and in those moments, more than ever, I am aware of my humanity. Aware of how small I am. Aware of how little knowledge I possess, Google be damned.

It seems, with increasing proclivity, that Western culture is getting louder and louder. Libraries, with few exceptions (Thank you, Richmond Hill Central), offer video games for kids, and allow them to play those games at full volume. Grocery stores have their own radio stations (this is true) and shopping malls are like night clubs. Think about it. Think about one place you can go where there is no background music. No noise of any kind.

As a writer, silence is and must be my friend. Even though I listen to soundtrack music (no words) when I write, I only do it to block out the constant noise in a society that more intent on distraction than contemplation. More intent on dazzling you than making you think. More intent on the parade than the process.

The results are increasingly evident. Our inability to put our damn phone damn while we're in the checkout line or driving or at work means everyone is always talking, but who's listening. More importantly, are we listening to ourselves? 

If we're incapable of self-reflection, we create an increasingly surficial society. And for that, we need to experience silence. As Marilyn Price-Mitchell, Ph.D., explains,

"The function of self-reflection is to make meaning. The creation of meaning is at the heart of what it means to be human."

Look, I know I may sound like I'm getting old and grumpy, but there is no question that literacy is affected by noise. People who read a lot don't mind silence because reading requires reflection, which requires fewer, not greater, distractions. We need our society to move forward, not back. We do not want to fight the same battle that we fought when it comes to equality and justice and freedom simply because our kids want noise all the time. We don't want to lose the gains we've made in medicine because people would rather read a two page Wikipedia page than go to school. And mostly, we don't want to lose the ability to dream because we're always running from one thing to the next, with no awareness of where we're going.

I'm not saying that music isn't important, or that connecting with others shouldn't happen. What I'm saying is that maybe we need to take a bit more time thinking quietly without the flash and buzz and fireworks of the latest Netflix show going on in the background.

Dreamers need to be able to discern where they are before they'll ever go anywhere. So some time this week, turn the radio off on your way to work. Think about what you want in life. Think about what you want to do next. Think about what you need to do next to get there.

Above all, enjoy the quiet. Learn to relish it, embrace it. Even as we sit in those metal coffins, week after week, we can learn to go somewhere else, envision what will happen, and motivate ourselves to take the next step.

And we can do it in silence. 

Who Am I? (A fun test for you)

I'm always a bit surprised that, in an individualistic society like ours, few people really understand themselves, their personality, and why that matters. All humans are self-centered, and I don't mean selfish, I mean oriented towards our own lives. There's nothing wrong with that, of course, because it's not like we can live lives for or through other people. (Though, ahem, some hockey dads seem intent enough on doing that)

Understanding who we are, why we think the way we do, why we like certain movies or books and why others don't, is extremely helpful. (As a writer, its absolutely imperative to understand what makes us tick. If we can't figure out ourselves, how do we expect to understand our characters?) It helps us not only relate to ourselves, but to those around us. It helps us understand why we respond to certain things within our family. It helps us better explain things in our romantic relationships, and in turn, helps us relate to one another in a more positive manner. If we can answer the question, "Who Am I?", with some degree of success, everything else becomes a bit easier.

I'm not simply talking about dealing with mental health issues, although that's certainly part of it. I'm talking about understanding your personality type. What makes you tick. What you need to recharge your batteries. What your strengths and weaknesses are. What job would suit you. Etc...

I took a leadership course in grad school, and every student in the class was asked to take a number of different tests, all designed to help us gauge our abilities in different areas. The most helpful one, by far, was the Myers-Briggs personality test, based on Carl Jung and Isabel Briggs Myers typological approach to personality.

(If you want to skip the explanation, you can find the test here.)

The test asks you basic questions, all answered with a yes or no. It breaks down four categories and groups your answers into sixteen possibilities:

Introvert(I) vs. Extrovert(E)
Sensing(S) vs. Intuition(N)
Thinking(T) vs. Feeling(F)
Judging(J) vs. Perceiving(P)

The result will be a combination of four letters. (For example, I am an ENFP.) I was skeptical when I first took the test, because I questioned how we could break down so many human personalities into sixteen categories. (And some people do fall between two categories.) However, when I looked up the results, I was shocked. I felt like I'd just printed out a paper stating who I was. And just to verify, the test is not based on astrological readings or any kind of mysticism. It's based on your actions.

Sample question: 1) You are almost never late for your appointments. YES or NO

When you take the test as done by professionals, it posits about 120 questions costs anywhere from $80 to $150. However, I found a spot online where you can take a similar test (and yes, I referenced this site in my Top 7 Sports Movies post) It is 72 questions (about ten minutes) and it is as accurate, or nearly so, as ones done professionally.

On the site, you can find summaries to your personality type. And if you Google your personality type, you can find all kinds of information, everything from ideal jobs to ideal partner types. It's a lot of fun, and I know a few people to whom I recommended this site who called it a life-changer. (Yes. Self-knowledge can be that liberating.) I should mention here, since I have two friends who are therapists, that the idea of this is FUN. The idea is not to mock someone (and really, if you mock someone because of their personality type, you're a classless moron who doesn't get it anyway. Self-knowledge means squat without self-awareness) but simply to understand one another. Why not do this with your spouse when the kids are in bed? Or with your boyfriend/girlfriend?

You can find the test HERE.

Have fun with it, and if you have any questions, drop them in the comments and I'll address them. (If you want to better Jung's typology, you can find the basis of his work here.)




Blog Verification:

• The contrived tree rends a healthy workload.

D&D: Who Are You?

(Have you tried the Monday Challenge yet? You won't be disappointed. Give it a whirl!)

There’s a full length mirror in the hallway in our building that my wife and I both like. It stretches you out, so if you’re short, like my wife, it projects you as being a bit taller. And if you’re built like a brick shithouse, like me, it almost gives you the illusion of being lean. But even mirrors that reflect more accurate dimensions don’t tell us much about ourselves. Self-reflection doesn’t always work either. It can help, but there are really only a couple of things that can give us an accurate picture of who we are. The first is the way others see us. The role we fill in their eyes. (the caregiver, the comic, the perky happy girl, the intellectual, etc…) Who they believe we are matters, because we usually act to meet people’s expectations. (Which is why you always hear psychologists talk about setting high standards when you’re leading people, for example.) The second, but more important way to understand who we are is to figure out the self-narrative that drives our actions. If your life was a story (and it is), what would that story be? If there was a film about your life, what would the theme be?

Until we know we are, or at least understand the narrative that drives us, it’s impossible to think about pursuing our dreams. Over the years, I've worked with a number of young adults who had no idea what their dreams were, no idea what they wanted from life. Now part of that goes back to our environment as a child, how healthy or unhealthy it was, and subsequent issues as a result of it. And sometimes it’s clear to people what they want at an early age. I have friends who wanted to be writers when they were twelve, and have never wavered. But for the rest of us (I didn’t figure out the writing bug until I was twenty three) even the concept of dreaming isn’t part of our makeup. Or maybe we had a dream, but for whatever reason, the opportunity passed us by, and now we’re supposed to “move on”, but have no idea how to do that.

The easiest way to understand who you are, is to figure out what stories you find compelling. What kind of books do you like? What kind of movies do you watch? Why do you like certain types of music or certain bands? There’s a reason you like action films with strong female leads (as rare as that is). There’s a reason why you like that indie band that talks about life in the suburbs.

Humans connect to one another through story. That’s the link, and it’s the reason certain people connect more easily to some than others. Look at your friends. Why do you like them? What is it that you find so compelling about them? What’s their story?

There are other ways to figure out who you are, of course. Like taking a personality test. (I recommend the Myers-Briggs) But understanding the story you tell yourself is more important than even understanding the particular characteristics of your personality. We profoundly influence ourselves more than any person we’ll ever meet, and often that persuasion is negative. We tell ourselves that we’re just a mother, just another guy at the post office, just another ______.

This week, take a few minutes to think about the stories that you identify with, and ask yourself why they register. Why they mean so much to you. Once you begin to understand your story, you’re ready to change it. To create something new and profound. It won’t happen all at once, but if you're patient, you'll find the journey more rewarding than you ever imagined. 

Steve